Editing tips, Suggestions, advice??? 10pts best answer!!!!!?

I feel as if this sentence is laking in emotion? How can I make it more powerful??? suggestions examples welcomed. Thanks








If anyone鈥檚 love was to be questioned it was his, he walked out on her, he gave up on them. As that thought persisted to entertain Laura, she couldn鈥檛 help but feel as if she made the wrong choice in coming back into town only to feel emptiness around every corner that Jason once helped to subdue.Editing tips, Suggestions, advice??? 10pts best answer!!!!!?
He walked out on me, simply gave up on what we meant to each other. These thoughts invaded Laura's mind, stubbornly refusing to allow her to think clearly. After all this time, she felt that coming back here, to the place where their love had kindled and sparked, was the wrong choice. Driving into town she became aware of the emptiness of her heart, mirrored only by the emptiness around every corner that Jason once protected her from with his love.Editing tips, Suggestions, advice??? 10pts best answer!!!!!?
I think one way to add emotion is to move beyond the indicative mode and spiral into modifiers! Maybe you can start with Laura lying in bed, or almost getting in a car accident, crazily distracted on the verge of seeing him at any moment- the word obsession comes to mind.








Laura heard the honking and swerved just in time, her heart racing as she slowed the vehicle and eased into a parking slot. She caught her breath, trying to focus, anything but Jason. But her mind screamed out as she mentioned his name: why did he leave; why did he give up? But most of all, why did she come back? Why did she come back to the town where their memories lurked around every corner, where she was filled with an emptiness that only Jason had been able to subdue. But why did he leave? Why?








I would consider this a rough sketch; I鈥檓 not really sure what you鈥檙e trying to do with this, or what its larger context is, but I hope this helps get the ball rolling. I would encourage you to play with her thought process to build tension.





HAVE FUN!